In my last post I mentioned a trip my boyf and I took to Oregon. While we were there, we visited Crater Lake. One morning while sitting on the edge of a cliff/overlook enjoying our coffee I joked about how if/when we had a baby that we should bring it with us and Instagram about it, #backpackingwithbaby. As we discussed and laughed through the logistics of bringing a baby backpacking one thing that came up was milk/formula - feeding the baby. While it was a harmless conversation, I realized that I would not be able to breast feed my future baby, and while that was not a breaking news story, it was still a HUGE pill to re-swallow. Kody, trying to be helpful, offered suggestions like bringing along a milk nurse/surrogate and instantly I felt my momma bear instincts kick in. I found a lump swelling up in my throat as I tried to express that NO ONE would feed my baby but me, even if it had to be formula or milk from a milk bank. Although it was just a "what if" conversation I found myself getting extremely emotional over the realization that I will never get that chance to bond with my baby through breast feeding. I know it's not the only way and I know some women that CAN breast feed, don't. In all honesty, that was the one thing I really struggled with giving up when I was deciding on doing my mastectomy (if you're a new reader you may need to read back to one of my first posts where I explained why I was doing a non-nipple sparing mastectomy due to my mom's cancer history). But I figured I better at least make sure I'm alive and healthy to even conceive a baby before I worrying about the implications of not breast feeding. While I'm not even sure if I will have kids, it is something that will surely come back to haunt me.
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I just got home from 5 wonderful days in California with my family for Christmas. Being with them made recovering that much better and easier. My sister was a great nurse as well as my mom. She had ice cold champagne ready for me, warm blankets and a fire plus some amazing home cooked meals. Mom kept my ice packs full and cold and helped me get up and down from our air mattress. Handling my niece and nephew were a bit of a challenge because I am so darn sore from the liposuction.
PS. If you fly after liposuction ask you doctor as I had to take an aspirin 1 hour before my flights. You would not believe the bruising and swelling I have. It stretches from my mid back, down my hips and all the way down my legs to my knee. My boobs are also bruised and very tender where he did the fat injection; I was not expecting that but those bruises are healing the fastest of all. I am going to go ahead and give you the best advice of your life...NEVER GET LIPOSUCTION! If it weren't for the fact that I wanted to get rid of the rippling, I would have NEVER done it and now that I've been through it I beg you, DON'T DO IT! Eat salads, workout and/or juice to reduce fat...anything. The simplest things are so difficult like sitting, standing, walking, removing clothing, getting dressed... you name it, it hurts after lipo. I was truly miserable the entire time I was in California but I am so glad I went through it with my loving and supportive family. Even my niece was helpful and kept reminding me to be careful because of my "bruised butt!" LOL My sister wasn't sure what to tell her so that's what they decided on; Aunt Jenny has a very bruised butt! I have been very upset and unhappy with the way my nipples look too. I know it's a work in progress but the left one is so awful. The right one is starting to resemble a nipple which is a plus but scares me for my left one. Today I also had my 1 week-ish post op appointment and got right down to business with Dr. Mosier. I started by complaining about the Spanx and how awful they are especially on an airplane. He gave me some good and bad news. The good news is I only have to "try" to wear them for 24 hours for 1 more week and then I can wear them only at night for an additional week and then I'm D-O-N-E! He told me the reason I need to try to wear them as often as possible, is to help with smoothing out the areas where he removed fat in my legs and back. If it doesn't stay smooth, it could leave dimpling or uneven skin and I DO NOT want that! Spanx, here I come with a big, fat smile on my face. Next up was my nipple review. I shared my concerns about the left one and he said it looked fine but that if I wasn't happy with it in a few weeks he could do a quick nip tuck in the office. That made me feel better! I am still cutting, taping and wearing the gauze nipple shields. He said to make sure I am really supporting the left one as it is a little lazy. I can do this by making sure my gauze is in the right place and the hole isn't too big or too small. I made my appointment for 2 weeks from today and am off to unpack, do laundry and repack as I fly out again tomorrow morning to head to Indiana to see my boyfriend who is there visiting family. He said he has some "surprises" in store for me when we go to visit more family in Chicago.....EEK! I just love surprises. I am about 2 1/2 weeks post-op from my exchange surgery and my how things are-a-changing! I am finally able to sleep on my side for a while with my body pillow and 2 regular pillows propping me up. If I lay directly on my side then the underwire from my bra sits right on my internal stitches, OUCH! I am mostly sleeping in my underwire bra even after wearing it all day, but sometimes wear my non underwire sports bra to give my boobies a rest. It's funny how once you get clearance to give yourself a break you don't want it. I was worn out from ACL yesterday and didn't want to sleep in any bra so I got into bed with just a t-shirt on. About 2 minutes later I was up putting my underwire bra back on, LOL! I can see how my boobs want to splay out to the sides when I lay on my back and I know I need to train them to face forward as much as possible right now so back on with the bra I went. Doc also cleared me for lower body exercise 2 weeks ago so I've been considering doing a barre class. Since I was busy all weekend at ACL I told myself I'd start Monday, tomorrow! That was until TODAY happened! Kody and I decided to go on a bike ride and try out a new trail before ACL. We left around 1 pm and rode our bikes from South Lamar all the way to the East Side and then to South Walnut Creek Trail. Without you just googling I can't describe how far it was. By the time we got to the actual trail my legs were already burning. I'm not sure my legs had recovered from our 10-12 miles from last weekend. We got on the trail which was awesome because it was all paved. About 2/3 of the way down the trail I was starting to give up. Turns out it was about the time I was crawling up a HUGE hill. I literally was climbing up that hill at the pace of a snail crawling through quick sand. I thought about getting off and walking it up. I had no idea how much further we had to go! Since it was our first time, we had no real idea where we were going so we just kept pedaling thinking we'd loop back around to where we started, WRONG! We finally found the end of the trail and realized it was a dead end. There was nothing left to do but turn around and pedal all the way back. All I can say is WOW! About 1/3 of the way back I was dying. That is when the complaining really went into full force, ha ha - poor Kody! But he was quite the trooper encouraging me the whole time. He even stopped while waiting for me to come up a hill and picked me 2 pretty flowers to stick in my helmet (see pic below). Needless to say we made it off that trail but that was only the beginning as we still had to pedal back to downtown Austin. We were starved! So off we went, aching quads and all and ended up at Easy Tiger down on 6th street. I can't tell you how much that kept me going, knowing food and a cold beer was my reward if I just kept pedaling! We stuffed our faces and threw back a cold one then it was time to get home as the sun was setting. Yes, you heard me right, the sun had started to set. We left at 1 pm and by the time we left Easy Tiger it was about 6:15 pm. That last trek back home was the worse, by far. So many hills and my lower back was screaming along with my legs and knees. We ran into one of Kody's friends that was biking and he was so sweet to actually push me up a hill I wasn't going to make it up! We finally made it back home and I stripped off those bike shorts, threw on my clothes and practically hobbled/ran to my car to get home. I wanted nothing more than some Ibuprofen and a hot, epsom salt bath, oh and a HUGE glass of red wine, LOL! I fear how sore I will be tomorrow as Kody told me as I was leaving that we rode a total of 42, yes FORTY TWO miles today. The most I had done before was 12 miles at the Veloway. Accomplished is the only word I have to describe how I feel after that. I just kept reminding myself that it's all mental. Our minds give out long before our bodies do. I also realized I am much stronger than I thought, both physically and mentally. I am just 2 1/2 weeks post-op and haven't done much of any kind of workout in months so I'd say I did pretty well. I have my next appointment with Dr. M this Thursday and I have a few concerns I'd like to talk to him about. First and foremost, I noticed the other day when I was bent forward in the mirror, brushing my teeth, that I saw some rippling on the top of both of my breasts. I don't like that because that is one of the main reasons I didn't want saline implants and opted for the gel implants. Secondly, I feel like my original scars aren't healing as good as I would have expected and want him to check them out. The other night I was lounging around in a snug tank top and instantly noticed that my left implant looks bigger than my right. I know all women's natural breasts are like this, one side always being a tad bit bigger but since these are engineered, I'm not really enthusiastic about this discovery. I'm hoping he'll just tell me that that left one is still just a bit swollen. Remember it's been the step child throughout this whole surgery ordeal. I also want him to give me an A+ report that my implants are in the correct spot and are healing correctly. I will report back and post some new pics soon!
Today I am 5 days post-op from my exchange surgery. I ended up going shopping and found a new, cuter, pink bra (size 32D) that fits me much better. HOWEVER, I must tell you that I am NOT a fan of bras anymore, especially not now. I'm going to blame it on my swelling and the fact that the under-wire of the bra sits right on my incisions - OUCH! I also have to sleep in it which is absolutely miserable. The other day I even found myself saying that I wish I had my expanders back, EEK! I know it will get better and easier but for now I'd like to turn that bra into something more useful like this... I've been giving myself an hour or 2 a night without the bra on as well as going to sleep in my super snug sports bra and changing back into the devil bra in the wee early hours of the AM. I obviously want to follow my doctors orders but does he realize how uncomfortable it is to sleep in that thing?!
I went back to work today and I think I definitely over did it! I'm not really sure what my restrictions are except I know I can't workout until next week and I'm not suppose to be lifting heavy things or reaching up high. Tonight I was making an over easy egg and I got the oil too hot. When I went to drop the egg in, hot oil sputtered out all over my arm. My instant reaction was to JERK my arm back and sure enough I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. I really hope I didn't rip my internal stitches or cause any damage! But what could I do? It was a knee-jerk reaction. I must be more careful! I'm not really sure how I feel about my new boobs either. I keep finding myself staring at them and wondering if they are so big because of swelling or if this is my new, real size. I'm not sure that I dislike the current size as much as I dislike how much the bra hurts me. I also realize that I do this every time one thing ends and another things begins. I reread some of my old blog posts and after each major milestone or change, I did the whole emotional roller coaster thing. I'm just trying to cut myself some slack, allow myself to have a pity party over the bra sitch and realize that I know that I will truly love my new boobies one day....hopefully REALLY soon! As of yesterday I am now 9 weeks post-op and have begun my countdown to my next surgery! Yesterday I had my pre-op appointment with Dr. Mosier for my exchange surgery. My insurance approved my surgery and we are ready to go! I will go in at 9:30 am next Wednesday and my surgery will be at 11 am. I will have general anesthesia and be sent home a mere 2 hours later. Dr. Mosier explained the surgery and said I will have 2 small incisions under both breasts where we will go in and remove the expanders and insert the implants. He ordered 3 sizes and will decided which fits best when he gets in there. He ordered some 385 cc, 415 cc and 440 cc implants which basically means I will be a full C/small D....WOAH! That sounds so large but it's not much bigger than I already am now and I'm very happy with my current size. I completely trust his judgement which is a good thing considering he gets the final say as I'll be completely knocked out under anesthesia. He will put some stitches inside my chest, near my under arms, as he will be tightening the pockets that will hold the implants so they will stay OUT of my under arms, unlike these expanders. It is expected that I will be sore/tender in that area. All stitches from this surgery will be inside but one will apparently have to be removed by him. When I wake up from surgery I will have 2 small band-aids covering my incisions and will be wearing a medical tube top for compression. 2 days after surgery I will go in for him to cut off my tube top (oh yay, the blasted tube top again :/) and put on my NEW 34 C under wire bra. I will basically have to wear that for 6 weeks to help the implants stay put. I have to say that I am most sad about that! I have thoroughly enjoyed wearing no bra for the past 9 weeks! If I decide to do nipple reconstruction I will have to wait about 3 months after this surgery to do that one. I am still unsure on that front as I am completely content with how I look now.
I had quite the scare yesterday too. Back in June I had the joy of experiencing my first every bladder/UTI infection...worse pain of my life! Well on Wednesday night I started to feel mild symptoms of another one coming on. I got some cranberry juice and tried to flush my system but I was totally unsuccessful. By about 5 pm yesterday I was in full blown pain. I ended up in the urgent care clinic and 2 hours and 2 prescriptions later, I was finally headed home to rest. The scary part was that I was afraid my surgery might have to be postponed due to the severe UTI I was diagnosed with and the fact that I am now on a 3 day antibiotic. But I asked my nurse friend and the doctor at the clinic and they both assured me that I was good to go for surgery, THANK GAWD! My upcoming surgery is really bittersweet for me. On the one hand I am so thrilled to get my new SOFT implants but on the other, I realize that I will never have this moment/experience again. That may be something you as the reader will never understand but I compare it to how I think people feel about weddings or being pregnant. You plan, stress, research and just want to "get it over with." But then it's all over and you almost want all that craziness back! Maybe you can relate. I was just uploading some 7 week post-op photos and couldn't help but take a trip down memory lane. All I can say is "WOW!" I can't believe where I was and where I am now. I remember the good days but I also remember the bad days. The one thing I will never forget is how down I felt (i.e. the emotional roller coaster) shortly after getting home from surgery. Not only was I just sleeping all of the time, only waking to take pills in my sleepy and painful fog, but I was not feeling great about my body and how it was looking. As I reflect back I can appreciate and love on myself for those "bad" or hard times. I am so proud of myself for getting through all of those days and refuse to beat myself up for feeling bad about the way I look or how I thought I would look. I look in the mirror now and absolutely love myself and that is a big deal for me to say. I don't want to sound vain or overly confident, I just want to portray what it is like to fear, so hard, if you will be able to look in the mirror and love yourself and then to finally realize you can. Not only that you can but that you actually like what you see. I've said it many times, but I've always been more concerned with what others think when they look at me (in the nitty gritty) and for the first time in my life I honestly could care less. I think that is quite a milestone if I do say so myself!
I do constantly worry about what others think though when they look at me when I am out on the weekends/at night as I dress a little less conservative. I am having fun wearing tanks with no bra and letting them show a little but I wonder if they are analyzing if my boobs are "real" or not or if maybe I'm showing too much of them. Do I seem like a show off or do people really even notice or care? LOL So here's where we are - I am currently at 360 cc's to make room for my 300-ish cc implants that will be installed in 16 short days!!! I can't even tell you how happy and excited I am for this surgery. There are parts of these expanders boobies that I love, like the "shelf effect" and how high and perky they sit, but on the other hand they are rock hard and I can't cross my arms over my chest or sleep on my side or stomach. It is not fun to even rub lotion on them as they are quite sore and they still protrude out towards my arm pits. I am still debating Nipple Reconstruction but at this point I am just very happy with the way they are, scars and all! Now a funny.... TODAY I am 7 weeks post op!!! On Tuesday I had my last and final expansion...I can't believe it! I was able to catch the whole expansion on video and once I figure out how to blur my face, I will post it, as it's very informative. My doc filled me with 60 more cc's putting my final total at 360 cc's. All I can say is, "WOAH MAMA!" These girls are quite a bit larger and more full then my old boobies. I've had a very hard time figuring out how to cover them up for work each day so I don't scar a young child in my classroom or offend a parent or co-worker. The other morning I literally changed clothes SEVEN times before finding a shirt that my boobs didn't pop out of. That was very frustrating and I ended up having to squeeze them into an old bandeau top under my shirt. That proved to be very ineffective as it literally slipped down all throughout the day. I'm not sure what was worse, me yanking the top up all day or just letting a little clev show?! I ended up going to the mall last weekend and bought the most amazing tops to cover the girls. They are like bandeau tops but with straps so no more rolling down and yanking. I bought a white one and a black one so I'm basically set. I can wear practically any shirt with one of those under it and hide my clev. Here they are if you want to check them out. I'd recommend them to anyone, whether you are trying to hide anything or not. I even sleep in them but they don't have any real support so keep that in mind and they are one size fits all but hey, they fit me! That is one thing I am loving about these expander boobies though, they literally just SIT there, like a shelf, very perky - no support needed! During my expansion appointment on Tuesday I was able to go ahead and schedule my exchange surgery. It will be an outpatient surgery on September 24, 2014 from 11 am-1 pm. I will get to go home that day and the recovery time should be MUCH faster, thank the lord. I am planning on taking off Wednesday - Friday and that gives me Saturday and Sunday to also try to recover. He told me to expect a week off but I really can't afford to take that many days off work, so we'll see. I also tried yoga on Monday, a free class, and while it was very hard and I was extremely limited, especially during the chaturanga, it felt SO good to sweat like crazy. It also helped me to stretch my chest muscles out, which I REALLY needed. I'm thinking of buying a 30 days for $30 pass for Say Om Yoga, near my apartment. At this point I could go for almost 3 weeks before my surgery and get my muscles all nice and loose. Every day since going back to school, I have been having major neck/shoulder pain. I think it's just tightness and always being tense plus standing all day. Add on carry these big boobs around and you've got a recipe for some pain! Head over to the gallery page to see my expansion pic. I will add some 7 week post op pics this weekend, as I am too exhausted tonight. Those kids really wear me out! Today I am 6 weeks post-op! If you go over to the photo gallery you can see some different views in the pics I added. I had mentioned to Dr. Mosier that I had been documenting this journey in photos each week and he kindly asked if he could have copies to share with others. I was blown away by his request and told him absolutely. My number one goal through this whole process besides trying to save my own life, is to try to help and educate others. On that note, you are welcome to share this blog with anyone as long as you don't use my name for the time being. Now to my blog post:
As you will note from my last post that my current size of 300 cc's is where we are stopping. However, we are doing one last expansion on Tuesday to give some wiggle room. When Dr. Mosier goes in to put in the implants he may need to go a little bigger or a little smaller, hence the wiggle room by expanding one more time. I am very happy with the size, although at first I was a bit in shock with how BIG and ROUND they were but a lot of that is swelling too. I trust his opinion and know he will do everything he can to make me happy with my noobies! I can't wait to schedule surgery and hope I get to do that on Tuesday during my last expansion appointment. Where does the time go?! If anyone were to ask me if I have regretted my decision thus far, I would say ABSOLUTELY NOT! Has it been hard? Yes! Has it been trying and emotional? Yes! Has it been anxiety filled and painful at times? Yes! But has it also been one of the most amazing experiences in my 32 years of living? YES! I have learned a lot about myself and grown (in more ways than one, LOL). I have seen strength and bravery I didn't know I had. I have learned that my friends are my friends for a reason and I have done a great job of picking them and them me. Now it's time to start considering my next step. To nipple reconstruct or not?! To really be able to give your opinion, you have to at least know a little medical data about it. So if you're interested, see THIS link on how Nipple Reconstruction works! Where does the time go? I've already done 4 expansions and am almost 6 weeks post op!
Yesterday I went in for my 4th expansion and boy was I relieved! In my last post I expressed concerned because my doc was wanting to do a 385 cc implant which meant he would expand me to 400 cc. I was afraid that was going to be WAY to big for my small frame. After talking to my therapist about it on Monday, she suggested that I just take pics (like I always do) and when I feel like I'm ready to stop expanding, then I must stand my ground and tell him. For anyone who knows me, you know how hard it is for me to do that. I always feel like I'm going to step on someones toes. However I realize that he is the professional and has done this a few times. Anyways, I went in today and was filled to 300 cc's. When he's done, he always steps back and takes a look to make sure they look okay. It made me laugh because I was talking to him during expansion about how many more expansions we needed to do in order for him to put in a 385 cc implant. He steps back to assess my progress and was like, "Okay, I think we're good at this size!" LOL I was thinking to myself, "Thank gawd!" because boy were they getting large and round and FULL! You may be wondering why I would do one more expansion if we both like the current size and the reasons is, is because the expanders are a bit bulkier than the implant and it will give him some wiggle room during surgery in case he needs to go a tad bit bigger. So we will stop at 360 cc's next Tuesday. Then the expanders will need to "rest" for 2-3 weeks and from there we can schedule my exchange surgery! I just can't believe we are already this far in this process. Don't get me wrong, I don't want these expanders in for any longer than I have to, but man time is flying and this experience will never happen again. That is bittersweet! Tomorrow marks my 6 week post-op, so I will report back and add photos then. Until then, here are my new, size 300 cc, expansion #4 boobies, in an old workout top; excuse the cat hair! HAHAHA Today I am 5 weeks post-op and I it has been a rough week since my last expansion on Tuesday. I couldn't figure out why this last expansion hit me so hard and then I got to thinking. I am now at 240 cc's and was 195 cc's (right) and 215 cc's (left) before surgery so this is my first expansion where not only the muscle is stretching but so is my skin...OUCH! It has definitely been a trying 2 days. I've started lathering my chest in vit D and lotion daily but was wondering what might be best for stretching skin. Any suggestions?
In my last post I think I mentioned that my doc wants me to be a full C and put in a 385 cc implant. I am VERY concerned about that # and size only because I already feel so big but I think it's because the expander is so wide and oddly shaped and now they sit UP like a shelf; not that they sagged before (I didn't have enough) but they were just a totally different shape. You can see in my 5 week post-op pics that from the side they look much bigger than the front view; or is it just me? My doc has been in the industry for over 30 years so I feel confident that he knows what he is doing but I did kindly remind him that I am not trying to be a porn star in my next life so please be modest, LOL. We had a good laugh and then he pulled out a 500 cc implant and held it up to my chest. WOAH, that sucker was big on my small chest! I am still very torn about the nipple reconstruction surgery vs. just doing the 3D tattooing of the nipple and areola. He said at my "young" age I should definitely do the NR and that he doesn't think I'll be happy or complete if I just do the tattooing. UGH! Luckily I have a lot of time to make that decision. This week I went back to my teaching job and boy has it been a rough one, especially with my expansion pain, but I made it. Tonight I got to meet my 19 brand new babies that will forever change me as a person. That is probably one of the best parts of being a teacher. Not just that you, as the teacher can touch and change a life for forever but how much the kids can actually teach YOU! I am so NOT looking forward to those 5:30 AM alarm clocks next week though. WEEKEND, HERE I COME!!!!!!!! |
About This Blog:This is my journey to beat breast cancer before it beats me, by undergoing a non-nipple sparing, prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. Archives
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