In my last post I mentioned a trip my boyf and I took to Oregon. While we were there, we visited Crater Lake. One morning while sitting on the edge of a cliff/overlook enjoying our coffee I joked about how if/when we had a baby that we should bring it with us and Instagram about it, #backpackingwithbaby. As we discussed and laughed through the logistics of bringing a baby backpacking one thing that came up was milk/formula - feeding the baby. While it was a harmless conversation, I realized that I would not be able to breast feed my future baby, and while that was not a breaking news story, it was still a HUGE pill to re-swallow. Kody, trying to be helpful, offered suggestions like bringing along a milk nurse/surrogate and instantly I felt my momma bear instincts kick in. I found a lump swelling up in my throat as I tried to express that NO ONE would feed my baby but me, even if it had to be formula or milk from a milk bank. Although it was just a "what if" conversation I found myself getting extremely emotional over the realization that I will never get that chance to bond with my baby through breast feeding. I know it's not the only way and I know some women that CAN breast feed, don't. In all honesty, that was the one thing I really struggled with giving up when I was deciding on doing my mastectomy (if you're a new reader you may need to read back to one of my first posts where I explained why I was doing a non-nipple sparing mastectomy due to my mom's cancer history). But I figured I better at least make sure I'm alive and healthy to even conceive a baby before I worrying about the implications of not breast feeding. While I'm not even sure if I will have kids, it is something that will surely come back to haunt me.
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I can't believe the BIG day has come! Tomorrow I get my areola tattoos (previously referred to as my nipple tattoos) at 1:10 pm at Dr. Mosier's office. Of course a big part of me is nervous but mostly I am just excited. It's obviously very bittersweet because as much as I want this all to be over, I can't believe it's all almost over! I will have to go back in 6 weeks for a touch up and then probably again in another 10 years. It all depends on my skin but since I'm fairly young, Dr. Mosier thinks 10 years is definitely doable. I am taking a 1/2 day and Kody is going with me; thank gawd for another man's opinion on this one! We will pick a color based on my beginning pics and then the tattoo lady will draw the size/shape on to make sure it's what I want. Then it's on! Like every major doctor's appointment, we are going out for beer and pizza after at Pinthouse Pizza, so amazing!
On a side note, I just started Focus T25 and can't wait to get through these first 5 weeks of the program called the Alpha phase. Today was the first workout, the cardio workout and while I consider myself in pretty good shape, DAY-YUM! I had no idea I could bust that much of a move and drip so much sweat in 25 short minutes. I have a feeling I am going to love this workout! The only downside I see is the fact that it's a lot of jumping around and as I previously mentioned in a post, my implants do this weird tingling thing during and after. I am going to try to remember to ask Dr. Mosier about that weirdness. Finding a sports bra to handle that much BOUNCE is going to be hard. I was terribly disappointed in how "bullet proof vest'ish" the full coverage sports bras look and feel. I even tried on a super nice one from LuLuLemon called the Ta Ta Tamer hoping to feel better about the situation, but couldn't commit to buying it. It just makes me feel so BIG and like I'm wearing three layers....oof! I may go back and try one level down for coverage to see if those are a little less abrasive. I will post some pics after tomorrow's appointment and FINALLY upload the liposuction/nipple reconstruction pics! I got an email this past week from Dr. Mosier's office assistant asking me to attend a meeting this coming week about modeling in the 2015 Austin Art Bra show. If you've never heard of it, check it out here! Models can be any woman that is a part of the BCRC community. I remember hearing about this event last year but it had just passed. I was so bummed as I just wanted to attend but to think that I could actually be a part of it, how cool is that?!?
The bras are donated by artists and aren't made of just glitter and jewels. Look through the gallery to see the amazing art that these artists create for this great fundraiser. I will know more after this first meeting on January 29th and will post more then! I decided to pick up my old blog: EatWorkoutandLove.blogspot.com. I want to be able to talk about other stuff but keep this blog primarily about my mastectomy journey and all things breast cancer related! Come follow me over there too. Today I had my follow up with Dr. Mosier and it went GREAT! I have to do the gauze dressing around my nipples for one more week just to help ensure that they don't sink in too much. I have ZERO bruising but am still a little swollen and tender in certain places. I am completely out of the Spanx, thank the LORD! Those things are the devil.
I will not go back again until mid March and at that appointment we will discuss my areola tattoos. I will meet with the woman who does them and discuss size, shape, color, etc. Who knew you could design your own nipples?! LOL I have to wait until 3 months after my nipple reconstruction surgery to do the tattoos or insurance won't pay for them. I just got new insurance too so I'm hoping this is a smooth process. The only down side is now I have to start over and pay my $500 deductible again and 20% of any future costs...ugh! I sure wish I could have done this all before January 1st. I was cleared for lower body and upper body as long as I listen to my body and not push myself too much. I bought a Groupon for cycling before the Christmas holidays so I am looking forward to starting that soon. It's time to get back into shape...pre-surgery shape! Today was my 3 day post op. I was sore as hell and had to get REAL creative when it came to getting dressed! When I arrived the nurse cut my tube dress off and I took off the gauze bandages that were covering my NEW nipples. I was so nervous because I had no idea what to expect. It was SCARY! Now keep in mind I had a top down view of the new nips and while the right one resembled a mound of skin that seemed like it would turn into a nipple the left one was horrific. The best way I can describe it was it looked like a warty witch's nose. It was all deformed, not to mention stitches were coming out from every which direction. It was a mess! I held back my tears as Dr. Mosier came in and took a look. He said everything looked great and checked my bruising and swelling from the liposuction. I got an A+ as always!
Next up was Spanx time, which I was dreading because even the nurse laughed when we showed her the Spanx we brought in. She was like, "Are those toddler size?" EXACTLY! I tried my hardest to get my one piece Spanx on but it wasn't happening. I was so terrified of touching my bruises and the idea of dragging that tight ass body suit up over my legs and back was more than I could handle. Dr. M saw my struggling and said don't worry about it for now and to just try to get it on when I got home...right! He did put another tube top over my breasts since we neglected to bring a bra in. But first he showed me how to protect and support my new nipples as the skin would sink in about 50% over time. He made my nipples kinda of big for this very reason. I wasn't concerned about the size of them, just the shape. I have to take a square of gauze, fold in in 1/2 and snip a small triangle out of the middle for my each of my new nipples. Then tape it on to my skin and put my bra on top of that. I have to do this EVERY time I take a bath or shower, obviously. When I got home I took a bath which was so badly needed, washed my hair, redressed my nipples and it was time to face the dreaded Spanx. My mom had dropped me back off and left to go back to work so it was just me and those Spanx. I really wasn't sure I could get them on but I knew I had to try. I took many deep breaths and yanked and pulled as slowly and gently as possible and what do you know? They slid right on with only a few cuss words and a large amount of pain! I got back into bed to rest as we are leaving for California in 2 days! Pain killers and ice packs are my new best friends. Merry Christmas and a Happy NY to all of you! Last Tuesday I had my check up with Dr. Mosier (before my pre-op) and next surgery date which is scheduled for December 19, 2014. I hadn't seen him in 4 weeks and was taking data on my rippling issues. My hope was that over these past 4 weeks that my implants would settle in and NOT ripple anymore but I had a feeling it wasn't going to get any better but I still had HOPE! I talked to Dr. Mosier again about my rippling and asked him for his advice; should I wait it out (I've been feeling like I'm making a rushed decision due to my insurance starting over on Jan. 1) and in his experience does the rippling get better over time or will it stay this way or god forbid get worse. He looked me straight in the eye and told me in his honest opinion that it wasn't going to get any better and we should proceed with the liposuction, which would harvest fat that he will then inject into my breasts to fill in the spaces between the implant and my skin (where the ripples are). The next step was to find the areas where he would get the fat from. I must tell you how embarrassed I was because I had made the mistake of wearing a dress and leggings to work that day and when I got there and had to change into the gown, I was practically naked except from my leggings down. You know all leggings do is squeeze your fat out of the top so I had no doubt Dr. Mosier would find some fat, LOL. I volunteered my stomach and thighs but he told me my stomach didn't have enough fat (thank you Dr. M!) and thighs aren't a good place to retrieve fat. He spun me around and squeezed around on my love handles (thanks to the leggings for making it squish over the top), which I now know are actually called "flanks." He decided this would be a good area as well as the outer part of my butt...shocking (baby got back)! He said I will be bruised as hell and have to wear a compression like get up, think SPANX, that basically cover me from ribs to knees, for TWO WEEKS! I guess all I can say is thank goodness I will be out of school for Winter Break and laid up at my sister's house and should recover nicely. She's already promised me lots of champagne, warm blankets, good food and a fire place! If the lipo isn't enough, I also will be doing my nipple reconstruction at the same time. That is really an easy surgery though. He will make a new incision above my old one and wrap the skin around and stitch it in 2 places to form the nipple. Here is a helpful diagram: All of this surgery stuff is so foreign and crazy and amazing to me! It took me a long time to make the decision to do this nipple reconstruction but after trying the fake, 3D tattoos, I knew NR was right for me. I just needed some time to soak it all in and realize that while another surgery is not what I want, it is necessary and will ultimately give me what I am looking for. I go back for my pre-op on December 11th. Until then, I just keep on keepin' on. I've been back to hot yoga for 2 weeks now and have absolutely loved being back. It has really helped me to stay sane, breathe and slow myself and my thoughts down. It's also helping me get my body back in shape which is always a perk! Maybe Dr. M will have to take my thigh fat after all, if I can sweat off my "flanks."
Yesterday I scored 2 GA wristbands to ACL so I scooped up Kody and off we went. We decided to ride our bikes as the car traffic is terrible down there and doctor Mosier gave me permission to start doing some lower body workouts including spinning/cycling. So off we went down Lamar (SCARY), to Bluebonnet which then turns into Robert E. Lee. We parked our bikes and met my bestie who got me some awesome flash tattoos to wear. I got a ton of compliments and questions about my ACL Flash tattoo. Have you heard of these things? They are all the rage. You probably saw them on Bachelor in Paradise as all the girls were wearing them. They are super cool, glittery rub on tattoos. I spotted the Pink Police Cruiser and posed for a quick pic as they are running a contest through November 17th (I think). If you tag #raceatx and friend @komenaustin and @austin_police through the social media of your choice, you can be entered to win some Kendra Scott jewelry, YES PLEASE! It was a gorgeous 73 degrees when we got there and we saw some amazing shows. The best show by far was the Avett Brothers and Eminem, of course! We also saw Polica, a little bit of Rebolution and passed by Major Lazer (a little wild for me). Overall, it was a great day and we calculated that we biked around 6-8 miles, some of which was uphill. I almost died on the way home after drinking beer and then pedaling home in the dark, around 10 pm. I made it about half way up this big, god forsaken hill before my lungs threatened to crap out on me. Considering that is the first major workout I've done since right before my surgery back in July, coupled with the fact that I didn't die on Lamar, I'd call that a big success!
I am starting to love my new boobies now too. I went bra free yesterday because it was already going to be a sweat fest but put that underwire bastard back on as soon as I got home. Gotta keep the girls in place! I have realized that it's not the larger boobs that I dislike, it's the awful bras that come in this size. The straps are wider, the bras are thicker and they give you 3 or 4 clasps in the back. The bra alone feels like a layer of clothes and they just aren't that cute in size 32D. I guess at that size you are going for comfort not cuteness?! I will not see Dr. Mosier again for another week and a half but hopefully the bras can be-gone in a few more weeks. It's taken me 9 weeks but I finally made myself sit down and put together what I call my "Hope Board." I bought a simple cork board and had the idea to decorate it in all things pink. Then hang up all of my cards I received before/during my surgery. I wanted the board to give me hope on those days where I thought I might have lost some. I really wish I would have done this 9 weeks ago but the time before surgery got completely away from me. Here's where I started: Next I ruffled and hot glued some pretty pink ribbon that I found for $0.50 at Michael's, around the perimeter of the cork board. I found some super cute pink heart push pins and I used those to attach all of the sweet and inspirational cards I received from my friends at my Bye Bye Boobies party and some that I received after surgery. And here's how it turned out: I just LOVE how it looks and it now fits perfectly in my bedroom, under my Bye Bye Boobies banner, to serve as a reminder of where I was, where I've been and where I am going in this amazing journey! This board still gives me hope for my future surgeries and endeavors, and reminds me of just how truly blessed I am to have such an awesome support system! I love you all and can't think you enough. You will never know how much your words in a card mean to me!
As of yesterday I am now 9 weeks post-op and have begun my countdown to my next surgery! Yesterday I had my pre-op appointment with Dr. Mosier for my exchange surgery. My insurance approved my surgery and we are ready to go! I will go in at 9:30 am next Wednesday and my surgery will be at 11 am. I will have general anesthesia and be sent home a mere 2 hours later. Dr. Mosier explained the surgery and said I will have 2 small incisions under both breasts where we will go in and remove the expanders and insert the implants. He ordered 3 sizes and will decided which fits best when he gets in there. He ordered some 385 cc, 415 cc and 440 cc implants which basically means I will be a full C/small D....WOAH! That sounds so large but it's not much bigger than I already am now and I'm very happy with my current size. I completely trust his judgement which is a good thing considering he gets the final say as I'll be completely knocked out under anesthesia. He will put some stitches inside my chest, near my under arms, as he will be tightening the pockets that will hold the implants so they will stay OUT of my under arms, unlike these expanders. It is expected that I will be sore/tender in that area. All stitches from this surgery will be inside but one will apparently have to be removed by him. When I wake up from surgery I will have 2 small band-aids covering my incisions and will be wearing a medical tube top for compression. 2 days after surgery I will go in for him to cut off my tube top (oh yay, the blasted tube top again :/) and put on my NEW 34 C under wire bra. I will basically have to wear that for 6 weeks to help the implants stay put. I have to say that I am most sad about that! I have thoroughly enjoyed wearing no bra for the past 9 weeks! If I decide to do nipple reconstruction I will have to wait about 3 months after this surgery to do that one. I am still unsure on that front as I am completely content with how I look now.
I had quite the scare yesterday too. Back in June I had the joy of experiencing my first every bladder/UTI infection...worse pain of my life! Well on Wednesday night I started to feel mild symptoms of another one coming on. I got some cranberry juice and tried to flush my system but I was totally unsuccessful. By about 5 pm yesterday I was in full blown pain. I ended up in the urgent care clinic and 2 hours and 2 prescriptions later, I was finally headed home to rest. The scary part was that I was afraid my surgery might have to be postponed due to the severe UTI I was diagnosed with and the fact that I am now on a 3 day antibiotic. But I asked my nurse friend and the doctor at the clinic and they both assured me that I was good to go for surgery, THANK GAWD! My upcoming surgery is really bittersweet for me. On the one hand I am so thrilled to get my new SOFT implants but on the other, I realize that I will never have this moment/experience again. That may be something you as the reader will never understand but I compare it to how I think people feel about weddings or being pregnant. You plan, stress, research and just want to "get it over with." But then it's all over and you almost want all that craziness back! Maybe you can relate. I was just uploading some 7 week post-op photos and couldn't help but take a trip down memory lane. All I can say is "WOW!" I can't believe where I was and where I am now. I remember the good days but I also remember the bad days. The one thing I will never forget is how down I felt (i.e. the emotional roller coaster) shortly after getting home from surgery. Not only was I just sleeping all of the time, only waking to take pills in my sleepy and painful fog, but I was not feeling great about my body and how it was looking. As I reflect back I can appreciate and love on myself for those "bad" or hard times. I am so proud of myself for getting through all of those days and refuse to beat myself up for feeling bad about the way I look or how I thought I would look. I look in the mirror now and absolutely love myself and that is a big deal for me to say. I don't want to sound vain or overly confident, I just want to portray what it is like to fear, so hard, if you will be able to look in the mirror and love yourself and then to finally realize you can. Not only that you can but that you actually like what you see. I've said it many times, but I've always been more concerned with what others think when they look at me (in the nitty gritty) and for the first time in my life I honestly could care less. I think that is quite a milestone if I do say so myself!
I do constantly worry about what others think though when they look at me when I am out on the weekends/at night as I dress a little less conservative. I am having fun wearing tanks with no bra and letting them show a little but I wonder if they are analyzing if my boobs are "real" or not or if maybe I'm showing too much of them. Do I seem like a show off or do people really even notice or care? LOL So here's where we are - I am currently at 360 cc's to make room for my 300-ish cc implants that will be installed in 16 short days!!! I can't even tell you how happy and excited I am for this surgery. There are parts of these expanders boobies that I love, like the "shelf effect" and how high and perky they sit, but on the other hand they are rock hard and I can't cross my arms over my chest or sleep on my side or stomach. It is not fun to even rub lotion on them as they are quite sore and they still protrude out towards my arm pits. I am still debating Nipple Reconstruction but at this point I am just very happy with the way they are, scars and all! Now a funny.... |
About This Blog:This is my journey to beat breast cancer before it beats me, by undergoing a non-nipple sparing, prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. Archives
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