In my last post I mentioned a trip my boyf and I took to Oregon. While we were there, we visited Crater Lake. One morning while sitting on the edge of a cliff/overlook enjoying our coffee I joked about how if/when we had a baby that we should bring it with us and Instagram about it, #backpackingwithbaby. As we discussed and laughed through the logistics of bringing a baby backpacking one thing that came up was milk/formula - feeding the baby. While it was a harmless conversation, I realized that I would not be able to breast feed my future baby, and while that was not a breaking news story, it was still a HUGE pill to re-swallow. Kody, trying to be helpful, offered suggestions like bringing along a milk nurse/surrogate and instantly I felt my momma bear instincts kick in. I found a lump swelling up in my throat as I tried to express that NO ONE would feed my baby but me, even if it had to be formula or milk from a milk bank. Although it was just a "what if" conversation I found myself getting extremely emotional over the realization that I will never get that chance to bond with my baby through breast feeding. I know it's not the only way and I know some women that CAN breast feed, don't. In all honesty, that was the one thing I really struggled with giving up when I was deciding on doing my mastectomy (if you're a new reader you may need to read back to one of my first posts where I explained why I was doing a non-nipple sparing mastectomy due to my mom's cancer history). But I figured I better at least make sure I'm alive and healthy to even conceive a baby before I worrying about the implications of not breast feeding. While I'm not even sure if I will have kids, it is something that will surely come back to haunt me.
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One year ago TODAY I underwent my prophylactic bilateral mastectomy! I just can't believe an entire year has past. I can't believe how many surgeries and doctor's appointments I've been through and to. It all seems like a blur and like it was ages ago yet I am still not 100%. Let me update you since I've been terrible at blogging since it's summer and as a teacher I am so fortunate to have the whole summer off. I have been taking FULL advantage of it too!
I completed my 2nd areola tattooing back on May 28th and all went well and that appointment went much faster. She filled in the areola with more color pigment and tried to even them out and make any corrections as this was supposed to be my last appointment. When I went back in for my final check up and for my "after" photos, Dr. Mosier asked me to do one more set of tattooing which I knew it would. He is a perfectionist and while I am happy with them, they are definitely a bit uneven in color. So I will go back again in August to do my last tattoo touch up for a while. I'm kind of bummed because after that I will not need to see Dr. Mosier again. Sad! I have FINALLY added the pictures from the liposuction (AWFUL) I had back in December. I will also work on adding current photos now that I am one year post op! It's been 6 days since I got my areola tattoos and I can't tell you how much I really love them! As I mentioned in my last post, it took me a few days and some worrying but now I am so happy with them. Head over to the photo gallery to see a couple of new photos I just added.
I ended up with a nasty little allergic reaction (rash) from the band-aid adhesive which was very itchy and tender, about 3 days in. I had to get creative and cut the adhesive off my bandages and just taped them on with waterproof medical tape. Lord knows my body is use to that stuff after all of the surgeries! The first couple of days weren't very fun because I had to glob on A&D ointment, bandage them and check them every few hours to make sure the tattoos weren't sticking to the band-aids. I got to let them "air out" an hour a day which was nice but walking around topless with blinds/patio open mid afternoon isn't exactly something I was use to, LOL. I could shower and bathe but just had to make sure the water didn't hit directly on my tattoos. By Sunday (5 days later) the tattoos started peeling and I didn't have to do the bandages anymore. The bandaging was kind of an annoying task but I'm glad to be done with that. Right in time for a little pool side lounging yesterday! I am still sticking to my T25 workout and trying to get bathing suit ready. My b-day is one short month away and decided on a pool party at our apartment! Now let's hope I can find a bathing suit top that can lasso these girls in and that Shaun T can get my butt in shape. Yesterday I had my check up with Dr. Mosier. It's been quite a while since I've seen him since my last surgery, the nipple reconstruction on 12/20/14. I wanted to see him because I've had a stitch in my right nipple that just refused to come out on it's own. Luckily it was a painless procedure that took a whole 2 minutes! While I was there, I got to meet the woman who will do my nipple tattoos on April 7, 2015. When I go in on the 7th, she will draw them on, show me colors and sizes and tattoo them on right then and there. I will then come back in 6 weeks for up to touch them up. Dr. Mosier said I will need them touched up in a few years but that shouldn't be a big deal.
I also asked if I should be massaging my boobs (implants) to help loosen them up, as that seems to be a common thing to do to help scar tissue from building up (or something like that). He said mine "look so perfect already that there is no need to do that," but that I can quickly massage them in the shower if I think about it. They are still very firm and don't move. When I say they don't move, I mean they DON'T MOVE, unless I am the one moving them. I hope they loosen up a tiny bit so they appear and feel more real. On the other hand, the perkier they are without the bra, the better! We also talked about the Art Bra Show and he apologized for sending me to the meeting without knowing the whole ordeal. I wasn't needing or wanting his apology as it was really informative; I was more just disappointed that I can't participate in it....BUT he asked me if I'd like a seat at his doctor's table for the event. Of course I was blown away and said "YES, I'd love to!" I will get to attend the event, get all dolled up and join him, his wife, Dr. Morrison (my general surgeon), and his sister who has battled breast cancer, at their table. I almost think this is even better than being IN the show, as I don't have to do any of the hard work and just get to sit, watch and enjoy the show! I was so thrilled that he invited me to attend and feel so honored. Not sure how many other of his patients get invited to sit at his table. ;) Next up, nipple tattoos! Today I had my follow up with Dr. Mosier and it went GREAT! I have to do the gauze dressing around my nipples for one more week just to help ensure that they don't sink in too much. I have ZERO bruising but am still a little swollen and tender in certain places. I am completely out of the Spanx, thank the LORD! Those things are the devil.
I will not go back again until mid March and at that appointment we will discuss my areola tattoos. I will meet with the woman who does them and discuss size, shape, color, etc. Who knew you could design your own nipples?! LOL I have to wait until 3 months after my nipple reconstruction surgery to do the tattoos or insurance won't pay for them. I just got new insurance too so I'm hoping this is a smooth process. The only down side is now I have to start over and pay my $500 deductible again and 20% of any future costs...ugh! I sure wish I could have done this all before January 1st. I was cleared for lower body and upper body as long as I listen to my body and not push myself too much. I bought a Groupon for cycling before the Christmas holidays so I am looking forward to starting that soon. It's time to get back into shape...pre-surgery shape! I am so behind on my blogging but here goes!
Today I am a little over 3 weeks post op from my liposuction and nipple reconstruction surgery that happened on 12/19. I am like a new woman! I am only having to wear the Spanx at night, which is GREAT and I'm still doing the gauze around my nipples. I'm not sure how long I am supposed to do that but I have another check up this week with Dr. Mosier and will ask him then. My bruising is almost completely gone from my legs and my boobs and back are completely healed. My back is still a tiny bit sore from the lipo but nothing compared to what it was. Wearing jeans to work this past week was a weird feeling as my bruises weren't compressed by the Spanx and just kind of jiggled around when I walked. I wouldn't say it hurt but it was slightly uncomfortable. My nipples have almost completely changed and I am no longer embarrassed of them. At my last appointment with Dr. Mosier he tidied up the stitches and cut them down to make them look better and dissolve faster. Stitches were literally coming out of my nipples from every direction. It looked gross and gangly before! I have been off of my ice packs and pain meds since the day I left for Indiana. I had such a great time hanging out with my bf's friends and we attended a PJ NYE party, which was great because we were already in our PJ's and our bed was just upstairs. We stayed up until 5 AM singing karaoke and having a blast. We later paid for that as we had to get up 4 hours later and drive to Chicago from Indianapolis. Now remember I told you he had some "surprises" for me?! Well we got to Chicago and met up with his grandma and 3 aunts that were just plain wonderful. I've never felt so loved by complete strangers! We all went out to eat at an awesome pizza place called Lou Malnati's and completely stuffed ourselves. The next morning we got up and took the train to downtown Chicago where Kody surprised me with a night at The Drake hotel. We spent the day shopping on Michigan Avenue and made our way down to see the bean in Millennium Park. We tried to go ice skating but the line was too long and we had to get back and get ready for our dinner reservations. That was my second surprise! He booked us reservations at The Sky Lounge on the 95th floor of the John Hancock building where we had a window seat with a city view. It was absolutely breath taking! My meal was to die for as well. I had pan seared sea scallops and gobbled them right down. The rest of the trip was a blast too and we ended up driving home Sunday evening, leaving Indiana around 9 pm and making it back into Austin on Monday around 5 pm. To say we were exhausted would be an understatement but we had so much fun on our road trip. I can't wait to go back for my follow up this week and see what's next! I just got home from 5 wonderful days in California with my family for Christmas. Being with them made recovering that much better and easier. My sister was a great nurse as well as my mom. She had ice cold champagne ready for me, warm blankets and a fire plus some amazing home cooked meals. Mom kept my ice packs full and cold and helped me get up and down from our air mattress. Handling my niece and nephew were a bit of a challenge because I am so darn sore from the liposuction.
PS. If you fly after liposuction ask you doctor as I had to take an aspirin 1 hour before my flights. You would not believe the bruising and swelling I have. It stretches from my mid back, down my hips and all the way down my legs to my knee. My boobs are also bruised and very tender where he did the fat injection; I was not expecting that but those bruises are healing the fastest of all. I am going to go ahead and give you the best advice of your life...NEVER GET LIPOSUCTION! If it weren't for the fact that I wanted to get rid of the rippling, I would have NEVER done it and now that I've been through it I beg you, DON'T DO IT! Eat salads, workout and/or juice to reduce fat...anything. The simplest things are so difficult like sitting, standing, walking, removing clothing, getting dressed... you name it, it hurts after lipo. I was truly miserable the entire time I was in California but I am so glad I went through it with my loving and supportive family. Even my niece was helpful and kept reminding me to be careful because of my "bruised butt!" LOL My sister wasn't sure what to tell her so that's what they decided on; Aunt Jenny has a very bruised butt! I have been very upset and unhappy with the way my nipples look too. I know it's a work in progress but the left one is so awful. The right one is starting to resemble a nipple which is a plus but scares me for my left one. Today I also had my 1 week-ish post op appointment and got right down to business with Dr. Mosier. I started by complaining about the Spanx and how awful they are especially on an airplane. He gave me some good and bad news. The good news is I only have to "try" to wear them for 24 hours for 1 more week and then I can wear them only at night for an additional week and then I'm D-O-N-E! He told me the reason I need to try to wear them as often as possible, is to help with smoothing out the areas where he removed fat in my legs and back. If it doesn't stay smooth, it could leave dimpling or uneven skin and I DO NOT want that! Spanx, here I come with a big, fat smile on my face. Next up was my nipple review. I shared my concerns about the left one and he said it looked fine but that if I wasn't happy with it in a few weeks he could do a quick nip tuck in the office. That made me feel better! I am still cutting, taping and wearing the gauze nipple shields. He said to make sure I am really supporting the left one as it is a little lazy. I can do this by making sure my gauze is in the right place and the hole isn't too big or too small. I made my appointment for 2 weeks from today and am off to unpack, do laundry and repack as I fly out again tomorrow morning to head to Indiana to see my boyfriend who is there visiting family. He said he has some "surprises" in store for me when we go to visit more family in Chicago.....EEK! I just love surprises. Today was my 3 day post op. I was sore as hell and had to get REAL creative when it came to getting dressed! When I arrived the nurse cut my tube dress off and I took off the gauze bandages that were covering my NEW nipples. I was so nervous because I had no idea what to expect. It was SCARY! Now keep in mind I had a top down view of the new nips and while the right one resembled a mound of skin that seemed like it would turn into a nipple the left one was horrific. The best way I can describe it was it looked like a warty witch's nose. It was all deformed, not to mention stitches were coming out from every which direction. It was a mess! I held back my tears as Dr. Mosier came in and took a look. He said everything looked great and checked my bruising and swelling from the liposuction. I got an A+ as always!
Next up was Spanx time, which I was dreading because even the nurse laughed when we showed her the Spanx we brought in. She was like, "Are those toddler size?" EXACTLY! I tried my hardest to get my one piece Spanx on but it wasn't happening. I was so terrified of touching my bruises and the idea of dragging that tight ass body suit up over my legs and back was more than I could handle. Dr. M saw my struggling and said don't worry about it for now and to just try to get it on when I got home...right! He did put another tube top over my breasts since we neglected to bring a bra in. But first he showed me how to protect and support my new nipples as the skin would sink in about 50% over time. He made my nipples kinda of big for this very reason. I wasn't concerned about the size of them, just the shape. I have to take a square of gauze, fold in in 1/2 and snip a small triangle out of the middle for my each of my new nipples. Then tape it on to my skin and put my bra on top of that. I have to do this EVERY time I take a bath or shower, obviously. When I got home I took a bath which was so badly needed, washed my hair, redressed my nipples and it was time to face the dreaded Spanx. My mom had dropped me back off and left to go back to work so it was just me and those Spanx. I really wasn't sure I could get them on but I knew I had to try. I took many deep breaths and yanked and pulled as slowly and gently as possible and what do you know? They slid right on with only a few cuss words and a large amount of pain! I got back into bed to rest as we are leaving for California in 2 days! Pain killers and ice packs are my new best friends. Merry Christmas and a Happy NY to all of you! Last Tuesday I had my check up with Dr. Mosier (before my pre-op) and next surgery date which is scheduled for December 19, 2014. I hadn't seen him in 4 weeks and was taking data on my rippling issues. My hope was that over these past 4 weeks that my implants would settle in and NOT ripple anymore but I had a feeling it wasn't going to get any better but I still had HOPE! I talked to Dr. Mosier again about my rippling and asked him for his advice; should I wait it out (I've been feeling like I'm making a rushed decision due to my insurance starting over on Jan. 1) and in his experience does the rippling get better over time or will it stay this way or god forbid get worse. He looked me straight in the eye and told me in his honest opinion that it wasn't going to get any better and we should proceed with the liposuction, which would harvest fat that he will then inject into my breasts to fill in the spaces between the implant and my skin (where the ripples are). The next step was to find the areas where he would get the fat from. I must tell you how embarrassed I was because I had made the mistake of wearing a dress and leggings to work that day and when I got there and had to change into the gown, I was practically naked except from my leggings down. You know all leggings do is squeeze your fat out of the top so I had no doubt Dr. Mosier would find some fat, LOL. I volunteered my stomach and thighs but he told me my stomach didn't have enough fat (thank you Dr. M!) and thighs aren't a good place to retrieve fat. He spun me around and squeezed around on my love handles (thanks to the leggings for making it squish over the top), which I now know are actually called "flanks." He decided this would be a good area as well as the outer part of my butt...shocking (baby got back)! He said I will be bruised as hell and have to wear a compression like get up, think SPANX, that basically cover me from ribs to knees, for TWO WEEKS! I guess all I can say is thank goodness I will be out of school for Winter Break and laid up at my sister's house and should recover nicely. She's already promised me lots of champagne, warm blankets, good food and a fire place! If the lipo isn't enough, I also will be doing my nipple reconstruction at the same time. That is really an easy surgery though. He will make a new incision above my old one and wrap the skin around and stitch it in 2 places to form the nipple. Here is a helpful diagram: All of this surgery stuff is so foreign and crazy and amazing to me! It took me a long time to make the decision to do this nipple reconstruction but after trying the fake, 3D tattoos, I knew NR was right for me. I just needed some time to soak it all in and realize that while another surgery is not what I want, it is necessary and will ultimately give me what I am looking for. I go back for my pre-op on December 11th. Until then, I just keep on keepin' on. I've been back to hot yoga for 2 weeks now and have absolutely loved being back. It has really helped me to stay sane, breathe and slow myself and my thoughts down. It's also helping me get my body back in shape which is always a perk! Maybe Dr. M will have to take my thigh fat after all, if I can sweat off my "flanks."
A while back I wrote a post about how I was chosen to be the Austin Bright Pink Education Ambassador. The training was originally supposed to be in Chicago, IL but they are piloting a new program where they train us from the comfort of our home. I have to say, I was a bit bummed by this as I was realllly looking forward to visiting Chicago and meeting the other BP Ambassador newbies. But I was NOT looking forward to investing in a parka and freezing my butt off! I've been receiving a lot of emails from the BP coordinator and making sure I've done my pre-training work. They have also matched me up with an education ambassador that can help me and we will Skype tonight. Her name is Brie and I can't wait to talk to her and have her help me prepare for my upcoming training. Training will be next weekend from Friday, November 14 - 16th. I have to be available to Skype and do online training sessions. I was also matched with with another BP newbie. We will help each other through the training process and work together to make sure we are ready to go out into our city and educate others. I got home today and received an awesome swag bag from Bright Pink. It has so much neat stuff in it and made me as giddy as a kid on Christmas morning. I got my very own pink binder with all of my training stuff, snacks/goodies, some awesome barre socks (I've been needing a pair for my new barre class), shampoo/conditioner, face cleanser, Luna bars and much, much more. It really helps that I love pink so much! Check out my swag below: As far as my recovery is going, not much has changed. I obsess over the rippling in my chest and am constantly showing my friends and asking their opinion. I go back for my next check up in 2 weeks and will have to have a serious talk with Dr. Mosier about the possibility of doing the liposuction so that he can take and inject that fat into my breasts. This should even out the rippling but I'm really not sure what to expect. I will ask him all about it now that a month will have passed since our last visit, and I am still not LOVING the way my boobs look. If it seems too invasive or the results don't seem worth it, then I will probably forgo the liposuction as it's another surgery to go through. I have started to accept the nipple reconstruction as a real possibility come December 19th. I don't love the nipple tattoos as they just LOOK fake but I guess considering that they are fake I can't complain too much about it. I think real nipples will really complete the process and hopefully cover up the scars and make me feel like a woman again with somewhat real nipples. I will tell you, nipples make a huge difference in my modesty. Until I put those tattoos on, I wasn't too shy about showing my new boobs to friends who were curious to see them. Once I put the tattoos on, I was a bit shy and reserved about showing them to anyone or even posting the pics in my photo gallery on this site. Funny how that works!
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About This Blog:This is my journey to beat breast cancer before it beats me, by undergoing a non-nipple sparing, prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. Archives
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