In my last post I mentioned a trip my boyf and I took to Oregon. While we were there, we visited Crater Lake. One morning while sitting on the edge of a cliff/overlook enjoying our coffee I joked about how if/when we had a baby that we should bring it with us and Instagram about it, #backpackingwithbaby. As we discussed and laughed through the logistics of bringing a baby backpacking one thing that came up was milk/formula - feeding the baby. While it was a harmless conversation, I realized that I would not be able to breast feed my future baby, and while that was not a breaking news story, it was still a HUGE pill to re-swallow. Kody, trying to be helpful, offered suggestions like bringing along a milk nurse/surrogate and instantly I felt my momma bear instincts kick in. I found a lump swelling up in my throat as I tried to express that NO ONE would feed my baby but me, even if it had to be formula or milk from a milk bank. Although it was just a "what if" conversation I found myself getting extremely emotional over the realization that I will never get that chance to bond with my baby through breast feeding. I know it's not the only way and I know some women that CAN breast feed, don't. In all honesty, that was the one thing I really struggled with giving up when I was deciding on doing my mastectomy (if you're a new reader you may need to read back to one of my first posts where I explained why I was doing a non-nipple sparing mastectomy due to my mom's cancer history). But I figured I better at least make sure I'm alive and healthy to even conceive a baby before I worrying about the implications of not breast feeding. While I'm not even sure if I will have kids, it is something that will surely come back to haunt me.
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One year ago TODAY I underwent my prophylactic bilateral mastectomy! I just can't believe an entire year has past. I can't believe how many surgeries and doctor's appointments I've been through and to. It all seems like a blur and like it was ages ago yet I am still not 100%. Let me update you since I've been terrible at blogging since it's summer and as a teacher I am so fortunate to have the whole summer off. I have been taking FULL advantage of it too!
I completed my 2nd areola tattooing back on May 28th and all went well and that appointment went much faster. She filled in the areola with more color pigment and tried to even them out and make any corrections as this was supposed to be my last appointment. When I went back in for my final check up and for my "after" photos, Dr. Mosier asked me to do one more set of tattooing which I knew it would. He is a perfectionist and while I am happy with them, they are definitely a bit uneven in color. So I will go back again in August to do my last tattoo touch up for a while. I'm kind of bummed because after that I will not need to see Dr. Mosier again. Sad! I have FINALLY added the pictures from the liposuction (AWFUL) I had back in December. I will also work on adding current photos now that I am one year post op! I can't believe the BIG day has come! Tomorrow I get my areola tattoos (previously referred to as my nipple tattoos) at 1:10 pm at Dr. Mosier's office. Of course a big part of me is nervous but mostly I am just excited. It's obviously very bittersweet because as much as I want this all to be over, I can't believe it's all almost over! I will have to go back in 6 weeks for a touch up and then probably again in another 10 years. It all depends on my skin but since I'm fairly young, Dr. Mosier thinks 10 years is definitely doable. I am taking a 1/2 day and Kody is going with me; thank gawd for another man's opinion on this one! We will pick a color based on my beginning pics and then the tattoo lady will draw the size/shape on to make sure it's what I want. Then it's on! Like every major doctor's appointment, we are going out for beer and pizza after at Pinthouse Pizza, so amazing!
On a side note, I just started Focus T25 and can't wait to get through these first 5 weeks of the program called the Alpha phase. Today was the first workout, the cardio workout and while I consider myself in pretty good shape, DAY-YUM! I had no idea I could bust that much of a move and drip so much sweat in 25 short minutes. I have a feeling I am going to love this workout! The only downside I see is the fact that it's a lot of jumping around and as I previously mentioned in a post, my implants do this weird tingling thing during and after. I am going to try to remember to ask Dr. Mosier about that weirdness. Finding a sports bra to handle that much BOUNCE is going to be hard. I was terribly disappointed in how "bullet proof vest'ish" the full coverage sports bras look and feel. I even tried on a super nice one from LuLuLemon called the Ta Ta Tamer hoping to feel better about the situation, but couldn't commit to buying it. It just makes me feel so BIG and like I'm wearing three layers....oof! I may go back and try one level down for coverage to see if those are a little less abrasive. I will post some pics after tomorrow's appointment and FINALLY upload the liposuction/nipple reconstruction pics! I stumbled upon this quote today and found it very fitting for where I am in my life currently: It spoke to me on many levels, but the obvious being that it reminded me of my choice to take a chance with my preventative surgery in order to change my fate. While I won't sit here and say it's been an easy process, it most certainly has been worth all of the pain, suffering and change I've been through. My new boobs are coming into their own but are on a very slow path. They are still very firm and perky. I know what you're thinking, that doesn't sound so bad, LOL. But to me they don't yet seem like real boobs and I guess there's a chance they never will and that is a realization I have had to face in the last few weeks. It's a tough pill to swallow but I'm choking it down and learning to accept my boobs for what they are right now!
I have tried buying 2 new bathing suit tops and was excited at first but disappointed after trying them on and wearing them around. The first one I was so thrilled about as the back is so cute but once I wore it in public and saw myself in a picture, I was a bit horrified to be honest. My boobs looked so HUGE that I was afraid I would scare a small child. The other top I bought at Target and was so excited as it looked like it offered more coverage but was still super cute (I got a medium this time). I tried it on to show Kody and soon learned that it was uncomfortable and yanked on my neck. UGH! My boobs definitely popped out of that one too but not so pornographically. The tag is still on it so I think I will be taking it back. I just don't know what to do at this point. I want to love and be proud of my boobs but I don't want to be this self conscious about them. I'm back to my old ways of worrying too much about what others will think. I am trying to talk myself out of that kind of thinking by reminding myself what my boobs and body went through to get to this point. The other weird thing I've noticed is that when I run (and I don't mean for exercise), say out of the dr's office, down the stairs, through the parking garage and to my car because I'm late for my hair appointment, my boobs tingle. It is the weirdest thing and yes that is a true story...I lived it today! I've felt this happen a handful of times in the past few weeks. I wonder what that could be. Then the other day the freakiest thing happened: I was lifting my arm to put on deodorant and heard this liquid-y, squishy sound. I was like "What the hell was that?" and asked Kody if he too heard it, which he did. I tried my other arm and same thing! I immediately began to panic and wonder if this was a new and permanent thing. I kept lifting and lowering my arms and had an inner freak out for a hot minute. I could tell it was my implant being squished or pressed on each time I lifted my arm. I guess maybe it's the muscle pushing on it but I won't know until I ask Dr. Mosier when I see him on April 7th for my areola tattoos. I will say that I haven't heard that sound again since last week, thank goodness! Here's hoping I can find a bathing suit soon as summer in Austin, TX is rapidly approaching! Yesterday I had my check up with Dr. Mosier. It's been quite a while since I've seen him since my last surgery, the nipple reconstruction on 12/20/14. I wanted to see him because I've had a stitch in my right nipple that just refused to come out on it's own. Luckily it was a painless procedure that took a whole 2 minutes! While I was there, I got to meet the woman who will do my nipple tattoos on April 7, 2015. When I go in on the 7th, she will draw them on, show me colors and sizes and tattoo them on right then and there. I will then come back in 6 weeks for up to touch them up. Dr. Mosier said I will need them touched up in a few years but that shouldn't be a big deal.
I also asked if I should be massaging my boobs (implants) to help loosen them up, as that seems to be a common thing to do to help scar tissue from building up (or something like that). He said mine "look so perfect already that there is no need to do that," but that I can quickly massage them in the shower if I think about it. They are still very firm and don't move. When I say they don't move, I mean they DON'T MOVE, unless I am the one moving them. I hope they loosen up a tiny bit so they appear and feel more real. On the other hand, the perkier they are without the bra, the better! We also talked about the Art Bra Show and he apologized for sending me to the meeting without knowing the whole ordeal. I wasn't needing or wanting his apology as it was really informative; I was more just disappointed that I can't participate in it....BUT he asked me if I'd like a seat at his doctor's table for the event. Of course I was blown away and said "YES, I'd love to!" I will get to attend the event, get all dolled up and join him, his wife, Dr. Morrison (my general surgeon), and his sister who has battled breast cancer, at their table. I almost think this is even better than being IN the show, as I don't have to do any of the hard work and just get to sit, watch and enjoy the show! I was so thrilled that he invited me to attend and feel so honored. Not sure how many other of his patients get invited to sit at his table. ;) Next up, nipple tattoos! Last night I attended the Art Bra Austin Model Q&A to hear about this fundraising event and to learn more about becoming a model for the show in June. To saw I was blown away and very excited is an understatement. I had already found an Austin artist to work with and was getting some thoughts and ideas together to help her with the design, but..... You knew there was going to be a but, right? Apparently even though I have gone through the reconstructive process, since I am not a breast cancer survivor or a client of the BCRC, I cannot be a model for the show. I left extremely disappointed but also very emotional. I was disappointed for obvious reasons but the emotional side had many parts.
I let Dr. Mosier know since he was the one who had asked me to attend the meeting and be a model. He was not pleased with this news and said he would look into their "policy" as he thinks it's ridiculous that I can't participate...amen Dr. M! I can understand where the BCRC is coming from but I still think it would be great for them to extend their outreach to men/women that haven't had breast cancer yet either. Today I had my follow up with Dr. Mosier and it went GREAT! I have to do the gauze dressing around my nipples for one more week just to help ensure that they don't sink in too much. I have ZERO bruising but am still a little swollen and tender in certain places. I am completely out of the Spanx, thank the LORD! Those things are the devil.
I will not go back again until mid March and at that appointment we will discuss my areola tattoos. I will meet with the woman who does them and discuss size, shape, color, etc. Who knew you could design your own nipples?! LOL I have to wait until 3 months after my nipple reconstruction surgery to do the tattoos or insurance won't pay for them. I just got new insurance too so I'm hoping this is a smooth process. The only down side is now I have to start over and pay my $500 deductible again and 20% of any future costs...ugh! I sure wish I could have done this all before January 1st. I was cleared for lower body and upper body as long as I listen to my body and not push myself too much. I bought a Groupon for cycling before the Christmas holidays so I am looking forward to starting that soon. It's time to get back into shape...pre-surgery shape! Last Tuesday I had my check up with Dr. Mosier (before my pre-op) and next surgery date which is scheduled for December 19, 2014. I hadn't seen him in 4 weeks and was taking data on my rippling issues. My hope was that over these past 4 weeks that my implants would settle in and NOT ripple anymore but I had a feeling it wasn't going to get any better but I still had HOPE! I talked to Dr. Mosier again about my rippling and asked him for his advice; should I wait it out (I've been feeling like I'm making a rushed decision due to my insurance starting over on Jan. 1) and in his experience does the rippling get better over time or will it stay this way or god forbid get worse. He looked me straight in the eye and told me in his honest opinion that it wasn't going to get any better and we should proceed with the liposuction, which would harvest fat that he will then inject into my breasts to fill in the spaces between the implant and my skin (where the ripples are). The next step was to find the areas where he would get the fat from. I must tell you how embarrassed I was because I had made the mistake of wearing a dress and leggings to work that day and when I got there and had to change into the gown, I was practically naked except from my leggings down. You know all leggings do is squeeze your fat out of the top so I had no doubt Dr. Mosier would find some fat, LOL. I volunteered my stomach and thighs but he told me my stomach didn't have enough fat (thank you Dr. M!) and thighs aren't a good place to retrieve fat. He spun me around and squeezed around on my love handles (thanks to the leggings for making it squish over the top), which I now know are actually called "flanks." He decided this would be a good area as well as the outer part of my butt...shocking (baby got back)! He said I will be bruised as hell and have to wear a compression like get up, think SPANX, that basically cover me from ribs to knees, for TWO WEEKS! I guess all I can say is thank goodness I will be out of school for Winter Break and laid up at my sister's house and should recover nicely. She's already promised me lots of champagne, warm blankets, good food and a fire place! If the lipo isn't enough, I also will be doing my nipple reconstruction at the same time. That is really an easy surgery though. He will make a new incision above my old one and wrap the skin around and stitch it in 2 places to form the nipple. Here is a helpful diagram: All of this surgery stuff is so foreign and crazy and amazing to me! It took me a long time to make the decision to do this nipple reconstruction but after trying the fake, 3D tattoos, I knew NR was right for me. I just needed some time to soak it all in and realize that while another surgery is not what I want, it is necessary and will ultimately give me what I am looking for. I go back for my pre-op on December 11th. Until then, I just keep on keepin' on. I've been back to hot yoga for 2 weeks now and have absolutely loved being back. It has really helped me to stay sane, breathe and slow myself and my thoughts down. It's also helping me get my body back in shape which is always a perk! Maybe Dr. M will have to take my thigh fat after all, if I can sweat off my "flanks."
What started off as a normal day today sure took an emotional turn. I took the day off because it is my first day of training for my role as Bright Pink Education Ambassador. I didn't have my first session until 3 pm so I went in and had my annual "lady" appointment this morning at 9:30. I hadn't seen my ob/gyn in a year so I had a lot to tell her. While I had mentioned to her last October that I was considering a PBM, it wasn't on the books yet. So we first talked about that and I soon realized, as I burst into tears, how much I have truly been internalizing things and my feelings throughout this journey. The only real place I share my deep down feelings is on this blog and in my heart/head; not because I don't have a good support system because by god, I do! But I think it's just me and how I am. I have only ever wanted people to see the happy, positive, bubbly, careless Jenny. I try to keep the sometimes sad, overwhelmed, scared, anxious, worried, insecure Jenny in the closet, so that I don't burden my loved ones. I was talking to my doctor and explaining where I am in my journey currently and how far I still feel I have to go. I brought up how I still, everyday almost, have to catch myself and tell myself to STOP worrying about the destination so much and try to enjoy the journey. Even when the journey provides pain, stress, worry, etc, it is still something to soak in and enjoy. I then told her about my rippling and that made the tears keep flowing. As you know, I am not happy with the rippling that I see between my breasts near the tops and I've now begun to fixate on any and all ripples. I look for them, feel for them, search for them constantly; I don't know why but I do and it makes me crazy. And while I know there is a great possibility that either a). it can be fixed through fat injections or b). it will work itself out over time, I am completely overwhelmed with all these thoughts. I feel stressed because I need to make the decision (to fat inject or not) in the next 35 days which is when my nipple reconstruction will happen. I feel like I need to make the decision quickly because my deductible is paid and my new insurance kicks in on January 1. I just wonder, what if I wait...will the rippling even out when my breasts settle in more? Or will it get worse/stay the same? Will the fat injections be worth it? Will they even work or is this going to be an (unnecessary) surgery? And if that wasn't enough then we started to talk about the societal pressure I feel to get married and have kids while also knowing in the back of my mind that one day, soon, I will need to consider having a prophylactic oophorectomy (complete hysterectomy) since my rate of ovarian cancer is up to 54%! I use to think I'd be married and have kids at the age of 26 but that has not happened for me and while I'm okay and very happy with where I am in my life, you should see the looks I get when I tell people that I may never get married or I may never procreate. While I realize that that is not my burden, others' opinions, it does effect me if I'm being perfectly honest. Then I start to think to myself, WHY, why do I not want to get married....why might I never have a kid....what is wrong with me? Is this a reflection of my current choices in life? Can I make better or different choices? Then that led to talk of freezing my eggs which is a "mere" $5000+ procedure. But if I have a hysterectomy, who would carry my future babies if I go that route? It's like a big snowball as you can see and was very emotional. I was very happy that my doctor spent almost an HOUR with me and wasn't rushing out of the room. Yes, I was that girl who made everyone else wait in their waiting rooms...SORRY! Her kindness and shoulder to literally cry on meant so much to me and all I could think was how can I educate other doctors out there? What can I do so that they are equipped to help other sobbing patients like myself? I just want to help and make an impact! I am currently in a position where I have decided to quit teaching after this year. It is no longer my passion. I still love kids and while I will miss the day to day interactions with them and their precious innocence, my passion has recently changed. I still want to educate but I want to educate women and doctors and anyone who will listen. I hope my role as Austin's Bright Pink Education Ambassador will open a new door or doors for me so that I can fulfill this new passion that burns inside of me. Since this post was such a downer, I have to leave you on a HILARIOUS note. If you have never seen this video, prepare to pee yourself. If you have, enjoy the laugh as did I. I maaaaay have watched this about 5 times already. ;) Thank you for reading my blog and allowing me to share my deepest thoughts and concerns. It truly is therapeutic! I am about 2 1/2 weeks post-op from my exchange surgery and my how things are-a-changing! I am finally able to sleep on my side for a while with my body pillow and 2 regular pillows propping me up. If I lay directly on my side then the underwire from my bra sits right on my internal stitches, OUCH! I am mostly sleeping in my underwire bra even after wearing it all day, but sometimes wear my non underwire sports bra to give my boobies a rest. It's funny how once you get clearance to give yourself a break you don't want it. I was worn out from ACL yesterday and didn't want to sleep in any bra so I got into bed with just a t-shirt on. About 2 minutes later I was up putting my underwire bra back on, LOL! I can see how my boobs want to splay out to the sides when I lay on my back and I know I need to train them to face forward as much as possible right now so back on with the bra I went. Doc also cleared me for lower body exercise 2 weeks ago so I've been considering doing a barre class. Since I was busy all weekend at ACL I told myself I'd start Monday, tomorrow! That was until TODAY happened! Kody and I decided to go on a bike ride and try out a new trail before ACL. We left around 1 pm and rode our bikes from South Lamar all the way to the East Side and then to South Walnut Creek Trail. Without you just googling I can't describe how far it was. By the time we got to the actual trail my legs were already burning. I'm not sure my legs had recovered from our 10-12 miles from last weekend. We got on the trail which was awesome because it was all paved. About 2/3 of the way down the trail I was starting to give up. Turns out it was about the time I was crawling up a HUGE hill. I literally was climbing up that hill at the pace of a snail crawling through quick sand. I thought about getting off and walking it up. I had no idea how much further we had to go! Since it was our first time, we had no real idea where we were going so we just kept pedaling thinking we'd loop back around to where we started, WRONG! We finally found the end of the trail and realized it was a dead end. There was nothing left to do but turn around and pedal all the way back. All I can say is WOW! About 1/3 of the way back I was dying. That is when the complaining really went into full force, ha ha - poor Kody! But he was quite the trooper encouraging me the whole time. He even stopped while waiting for me to come up a hill and picked me 2 pretty flowers to stick in my helmet (see pic below). Needless to say we made it off that trail but that was only the beginning as we still had to pedal back to downtown Austin. We were starved! So off we went, aching quads and all and ended up at Easy Tiger down on 6th street. I can't tell you how much that kept me going, knowing food and a cold beer was my reward if I just kept pedaling! We stuffed our faces and threw back a cold one then it was time to get home as the sun was setting. Yes, you heard me right, the sun had started to set. We left at 1 pm and by the time we left Easy Tiger it was about 6:15 pm. That last trek back home was the worse, by far. So many hills and my lower back was screaming along with my legs and knees. We ran into one of Kody's friends that was biking and he was so sweet to actually push me up a hill I wasn't going to make it up! We finally made it back home and I stripped off those bike shorts, threw on my clothes and practically hobbled/ran to my car to get home. I wanted nothing more than some Ibuprofen and a hot, epsom salt bath, oh and a HUGE glass of red wine, LOL! I fear how sore I will be tomorrow as Kody told me as I was leaving that we rode a total of 42, yes FORTY TWO miles today. The most I had done before was 12 miles at the Veloway. Accomplished is the only word I have to describe how I feel after that. I just kept reminding myself that it's all mental. Our minds give out long before our bodies do. I also realized I am much stronger than I thought, both physically and mentally. I am just 2 1/2 weeks post-op and haven't done much of any kind of workout in months so I'd say I did pretty well. I have my next appointment with Dr. M this Thursday and I have a few concerns I'd like to talk to him about. First and foremost, I noticed the other day when I was bent forward in the mirror, brushing my teeth, that I saw some rippling on the top of both of my breasts. I don't like that because that is one of the main reasons I didn't want saline implants and opted for the gel implants. Secondly, I feel like my original scars aren't healing as good as I would have expected and want him to check them out. The other night I was lounging around in a snug tank top and instantly noticed that my left implant looks bigger than my right. I know all women's natural breasts are like this, one side always being a tad bit bigger but since these are engineered, I'm not really enthusiastic about this discovery. I'm hoping he'll just tell me that that left one is still just a bit swollen. Remember it's been the step child throughout this whole surgery ordeal. I also want him to give me an A+ report that my implants are in the correct spot and are healing correctly. I will report back and post some new pics soon!
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About This Blog:This is my journey to beat breast cancer before it beats me, by undergoing a non-nipple sparing, prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. Archives
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