In my last post I mentioned a trip my boyf and I took to Oregon. While we were there, we visited Crater Lake. One morning while sitting on the edge of a cliff/overlook enjoying our coffee I joked about how if/when we had a baby that we should bring it with us and Instagram about it, #backpackingwithbaby. As we discussed and laughed through the logistics of bringing a baby backpacking one thing that came up was milk/formula - feeding the baby. While it was a harmless conversation, I realized that I would not be able to breast feed my future baby, and while that was not a breaking news story, it was still a HUGE pill to re-swallow. Kody, trying to be helpful, offered suggestions like bringing along a milk nurse/surrogate and instantly I felt my momma bear instincts kick in. I found a lump swelling up in my throat as I tried to express that NO ONE would feed my baby but me, even if it had to be formula or milk from a milk bank. Although it was just a "what if" conversation I found myself getting extremely emotional over the realization that I will never get that chance to bond with my baby through breast feeding. I know it's not the only way and I know some women that CAN breast feed, don't. In all honesty, that was the one thing I really struggled with giving up when I was deciding on doing my mastectomy (if you're a new reader you may need to read back to one of my first posts where I explained why I was doing a non-nipple sparing mastectomy due to my mom's cancer history). But I figured I better at least make sure I'm alive and healthy to even conceive a baby before I worrying about the implications of not breast feeding. While I'm not even sure if I will have kids, it is something that will surely come back to haunt me.
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It's been 6 days since I got my areola tattoos and I can't tell you how much I really love them! As I mentioned in my last post, it took me a few days and some worrying but now I am so happy with them. Head over to the photo gallery to see a couple of new photos I just added.
I ended up with a nasty little allergic reaction (rash) from the band-aid adhesive which was very itchy and tender, about 3 days in. I had to get creative and cut the adhesive off my bandages and just taped them on with waterproof medical tape. Lord knows my body is use to that stuff after all of the surgeries! The first couple of days weren't very fun because I had to glob on A&D ointment, bandage them and check them every few hours to make sure the tattoos weren't sticking to the band-aids. I got to let them "air out" an hour a day which was nice but walking around topless with blinds/patio open mid afternoon isn't exactly something I was use to, LOL. I could shower and bathe but just had to make sure the water didn't hit directly on my tattoos. By Sunday (5 days later) the tattoos started peeling and I didn't have to do the bandages anymore. The bandaging was kind of an annoying task but I'm glad to be done with that. Right in time for a little pool side lounging yesterday! I am still sticking to my T25 workout and trying to get bathing suit ready. My b-day is one short month away and decided on a pool party at our apartment! Now let's hope I can find a bathing suit top that can lasso these girls in and that Shaun T can get my butt in shape. I stumbled upon this quote today and found it very fitting for where I am in my life currently: It spoke to me on many levels, but the obvious being that it reminded me of my choice to take a chance with my preventative surgery in order to change my fate. While I won't sit here and say it's been an easy process, it most certainly has been worth all of the pain, suffering and change I've been through. My new boobs are coming into their own but are on a very slow path. They are still very firm and perky. I know what you're thinking, that doesn't sound so bad, LOL. But to me they don't yet seem like real boobs and I guess there's a chance they never will and that is a realization I have had to face in the last few weeks. It's a tough pill to swallow but I'm choking it down and learning to accept my boobs for what they are right now!
I have tried buying 2 new bathing suit tops and was excited at first but disappointed after trying them on and wearing them around. The first one I was so thrilled about as the back is so cute but once I wore it in public and saw myself in a picture, I was a bit horrified to be honest. My boobs looked so HUGE that I was afraid I would scare a small child. The other top I bought at Target and was so excited as it looked like it offered more coverage but was still super cute (I got a medium this time). I tried it on to show Kody and soon learned that it was uncomfortable and yanked on my neck. UGH! My boobs definitely popped out of that one too but not so pornographically. The tag is still on it so I think I will be taking it back. I just don't know what to do at this point. I want to love and be proud of my boobs but I don't want to be this self conscious about them. I'm back to my old ways of worrying too much about what others will think. I am trying to talk myself out of that kind of thinking by reminding myself what my boobs and body went through to get to this point. The other weird thing I've noticed is that when I run (and I don't mean for exercise), say out of the dr's office, down the stairs, through the parking garage and to my car because I'm late for my hair appointment, my boobs tingle. It is the weirdest thing and yes that is a true story...I lived it today! I've felt this happen a handful of times in the past few weeks. I wonder what that could be. Then the other day the freakiest thing happened: I was lifting my arm to put on deodorant and heard this liquid-y, squishy sound. I was like "What the hell was that?" and asked Kody if he too heard it, which he did. I tried my other arm and same thing! I immediately began to panic and wonder if this was a new and permanent thing. I kept lifting and lowering my arms and had an inner freak out for a hot minute. I could tell it was my implant being squished or pressed on each time I lifted my arm. I guess maybe it's the muscle pushing on it but I won't know until I ask Dr. Mosier when I see him on April 7th for my areola tattoos. I will say that I haven't heard that sound again since last week, thank goodness! Here's hoping I can find a bathing suit soon as summer in Austin, TX is rapidly approaching! |
About This Blog:This is my journey to beat breast cancer before it beats me, by undergoing a non-nipple sparing, prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. Archives
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