In my last post I mentioned a trip my boyf and I took to Oregon. While we were there, we visited Crater Lake. One morning while sitting on the edge of a cliff/overlook enjoying our coffee I joked about how if/when we had a baby that we should bring it with us and Instagram about it, #backpackingwithbaby. As we discussed and laughed through the logistics of bringing a baby backpacking one thing that came up was milk/formula - feeding the baby. While it was a harmless conversation, I realized that I would not be able to breast feed my future baby, and while that was not a breaking news story, it was still a HUGE pill to re-swallow. Kody, trying to be helpful, offered suggestions like bringing along a milk nurse/surrogate and instantly I felt my momma bear instincts kick in. I found a lump swelling up in my throat as I tried to express that NO ONE would feed my baby but me, even if it had to be formula or milk from a milk bank. Although it was just a "what if" conversation I found myself getting extremely emotional over the realization that I will never get that chance to bond with my baby through breast feeding. I know it's not the only way and I know some women that CAN breast feed, don't. In all honesty, that was the one thing I really struggled with giving up when I was deciding on doing my mastectomy (if you're a new reader you may need to read back to one of my first posts where I explained why I was doing a non-nipple sparing mastectomy due to my mom's cancer history). But I figured I better at least make sure I'm alive and healthy to even conceive a baby before I worrying about the implications of not breast feeding. While I'm not even sure if I will have kids, it is something that will surely come back to haunt me.
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What started off as a normal day today sure took an emotional turn. I took the day off because it is my first day of training for my role as Bright Pink Education Ambassador. I didn't have my first session until 3 pm so I went in and had my annual "lady" appointment this morning at 9:30. I hadn't seen my ob/gyn in a year so I had a lot to tell her. While I had mentioned to her last October that I was considering a PBM, it wasn't on the books yet. So we first talked about that and I soon realized, as I burst into tears, how much I have truly been internalizing things and my feelings throughout this journey. The only real place I share my deep down feelings is on this blog and in my heart/head; not because I don't have a good support system because by god, I do! But I think it's just me and how I am. I have only ever wanted people to see the happy, positive, bubbly, careless Jenny. I try to keep the sometimes sad, overwhelmed, scared, anxious, worried, insecure Jenny in the closet, so that I don't burden my loved ones. I was talking to my doctor and explaining where I am in my journey currently and how far I still feel I have to go. I brought up how I still, everyday almost, have to catch myself and tell myself to STOP worrying about the destination so much and try to enjoy the journey. Even when the journey provides pain, stress, worry, etc, it is still something to soak in and enjoy. I then told her about my rippling and that made the tears keep flowing. As you know, I am not happy with the rippling that I see between my breasts near the tops and I've now begun to fixate on any and all ripples. I look for them, feel for them, search for them constantly; I don't know why but I do and it makes me crazy. And while I know there is a great possibility that either a). it can be fixed through fat injections or b). it will work itself out over time, I am completely overwhelmed with all these thoughts. I feel stressed because I need to make the decision (to fat inject or not) in the next 35 days which is when my nipple reconstruction will happen. I feel like I need to make the decision quickly because my deductible is paid and my new insurance kicks in on January 1. I just wonder, what if I wait...will the rippling even out when my breasts settle in more? Or will it get worse/stay the same? Will the fat injections be worth it? Will they even work or is this going to be an (unnecessary) surgery? And if that wasn't enough then we started to talk about the societal pressure I feel to get married and have kids while also knowing in the back of my mind that one day, soon, I will need to consider having a prophylactic oophorectomy (complete hysterectomy) since my rate of ovarian cancer is up to 54%! I use to think I'd be married and have kids at the age of 26 but that has not happened for me and while I'm okay and very happy with where I am in my life, you should see the looks I get when I tell people that I may never get married or I may never procreate. While I realize that that is not my burden, others' opinions, it does effect me if I'm being perfectly honest. Then I start to think to myself, WHY, why do I not want to get married....why might I never have a kid....what is wrong with me? Is this a reflection of my current choices in life? Can I make better or different choices? Then that led to talk of freezing my eggs which is a "mere" $5000+ procedure. But if I have a hysterectomy, who would carry my future babies if I go that route? It's like a big snowball as you can see and was very emotional. I was very happy that my doctor spent almost an HOUR with me and wasn't rushing out of the room. Yes, I was that girl who made everyone else wait in their waiting rooms...SORRY! Her kindness and shoulder to literally cry on meant so much to me and all I could think was how can I educate other doctors out there? What can I do so that they are equipped to help other sobbing patients like myself? I just want to help and make an impact! I am currently in a position where I have decided to quit teaching after this year. It is no longer my passion. I still love kids and while I will miss the day to day interactions with them and their precious innocence, my passion has recently changed. I still want to educate but I want to educate women and doctors and anyone who will listen. I hope my role as Austin's Bright Pink Education Ambassador will open a new door or doors for me so that I can fulfill this new passion that burns inside of me. Since this post was such a downer, I have to leave you on a HILARIOUS note. If you have never seen this video, prepare to pee yourself. If you have, enjoy the laugh as did I. I maaaaay have watched this about 5 times already. ;) Thank you for reading my blog and allowing me to share my deepest thoughts and concerns. It truly is therapeutic! Today I attended my very first Austin FORCE meeting from 3-5 pm. FORCE is a national nonprofit organization devoted to improving the lives of people and families affected by hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. I had heard about them from various resources and decided to give them a try. I emailed the coordinator in advance to let her know that while I was excited about this meeting she should know I was only 10 days post op and I didn't want people wondering what was wrong with me, etc. My only friend as far as clothes go, are one piece jumpers. Yep, I said "jumpers!" They are easy to put on and very non restricting to my sore, swollen chest. So I got up, bathed myself, put some make up on, and curled my day old hair. My mom picked me up and we had lunch out at El Alma, yum, then she dropped me off at my meeting. It was so great! I met 7 other ladies that in some way, shape, or form, have been through what I have been through. Some have actually had cancer but we all have had some type of reconstruction to further save our lives. We shared stories, discussed various resources and doctors and planned some upcoming events in the Austin area. Here we are: After that, Kody picked me up and we headed to Lucy's Fried Chicken for some oysters and one of the BEST Bloody Mary's I've ever had. By the time he dropped me back off I was sore and hurting so off to the freezer I went to find my best friend, the ice pack! It was a great day but I paid for such a rambunctious weekend.
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About This Blog:This is my journey to beat breast cancer before it beats me, by undergoing a non-nipple sparing, prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. Archives
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