Up until today this blog has only been about my journey to beat cancer before it beats me and while that is not changing, it is time that I start posting some of my favorite (and new) recipes. Here is a new one I found on Pinterest the other night and just made it for dinner tonight and all I can say is YUM, YUM! The only real changes I made to this is that I used quinoa instead of serving it with rice or noodles. I also added 1/2 TBS of chili garlic sauce to make it a bit spicier. Topping it with the sesame seeds really made this dish! I really love crock pot meals because I usually have most of the ingredients on hand (or can substitute some) and can just toss 'em in, turn the CP on high and let it cook. I hope you enjoy!
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Last Tuesday I had my check up with Dr. Mosier (before my pre-op) and next surgery date which is scheduled for December 19, 2014. I hadn't seen him in 4 weeks and was taking data on my rippling issues. My hope was that over these past 4 weeks that my implants would settle in and NOT ripple anymore but I had a feeling it wasn't going to get any better but I still had HOPE! I talked to Dr. Mosier again about my rippling and asked him for his advice; should I wait it out (I've been feeling like I'm making a rushed decision due to my insurance starting over on Jan. 1) and in his experience does the rippling get better over time or will it stay this way or god forbid get worse. He looked me straight in the eye and told me in his honest opinion that it wasn't going to get any better and we should proceed with the liposuction, which would harvest fat that he will then inject into my breasts to fill in the spaces between the implant and my skin (where the ripples are). The next step was to find the areas where he would get the fat from. I must tell you how embarrassed I was because I had made the mistake of wearing a dress and leggings to work that day and when I got there and had to change into the gown, I was practically naked except from my leggings down. You know all leggings do is squeeze your fat out of the top so I had no doubt Dr. Mosier would find some fat, LOL. I volunteered my stomach and thighs but he told me my stomach didn't have enough fat (thank you Dr. M!) and thighs aren't a good place to retrieve fat. He spun me around and squeezed around on my love handles (thanks to the leggings for making it squish over the top), which I now know are actually called "flanks." He decided this would be a good area as well as the outer part of my butt...shocking (baby got back)! He said I will be bruised as hell and have to wear a compression like get up, think SPANX, that basically cover me from ribs to knees, for TWO WEEKS! I guess all I can say is thank goodness I will be out of school for Winter Break and laid up at my sister's house and should recover nicely. She's already promised me lots of champagne, warm blankets, good food and a fire place! If the lipo isn't enough, I also will be doing my nipple reconstruction at the same time. That is really an easy surgery though. He will make a new incision above my old one and wrap the skin around and stitch it in 2 places to form the nipple. Here is a helpful diagram: All of this surgery stuff is so foreign and crazy and amazing to me! It took me a long time to make the decision to do this nipple reconstruction but after trying the fake, 3D tattoos, I knew NR was right for me. I just needed some time to soak it all in and realize that while another surgery is not what I want, it is necessary and will ultimately give me what I am looking for. I go back for my pre-op on December 11th. Until then, I just keep on keepin' on. I've been back to hot yoga for 2 weeks now and have absolutely loved being back. It has really helped me to stay sane, breathe and slow myself and my thoughts down. It's also helping me get my body back in shape which is always a perk! Maybe Dr. M will have to take my thigh fat after all, if I can sweat off my "flanks."
What started off as a normal day today sure took an emotional turn. I took the day off because it is my first day of training for my role as Bright Pink Education Ambassador. I didn't have my first session until 3 pm so I went in and had my annual "lady" appointment this morning at 9:30. I hadn't seen my ob/gyn in a year so I had a lot to tell her. While I had mentioned to her last October that I was considering a PBM, it wasn't on the books yet. So we first talked about that and I soon realized, as I burst into tears, how much I have truly been internalizing things and my feelings throughout this journey. The only real place I share my deep down feelings is on this blog and in my heart/head; not because I don't have a good support system because by god, I do! But I think it's just me and how I am. I have only ever wanted people to see the happy, positive, bubbly, careless Jenny. I try to keep the sometimes sad, overwhelmed, scared, anxious, worried, insecure Jenny in the closet, so that I don't burden my loved ones. I was talking to my doctor and explaining where I am in my journey currently and how far I still feel I have to go. I brought up how I still, everyday almost, have to catch myself and tell myself to STOP worrying about the destination so much and try to enjoy the journey. Even when the journey provides pain, stress, worry, etc, it is still something to soak in and enjoy. I then told her about my rippling and that made the tears keep flowing. As you know, I am not happy with the rippling that I see between my breasts near the tops and I've now begun to fixate on any and all ripples. I look for them, feel for them, search for them constantly; I don't know why but I do and it makes me crazy. And while I know there is a great possibility that either a). it can be fixed through fat injections or b). it will work itself out over time, I am completely overwhelmed with all these thoughts. I feel stressed because I need to make the decision (to fat inject or not) in the next 35 days which is when my nipple reconstruction will happen. I feel like I need to make the decision quickly because my deductible is paid and my new insurance kicks in on January 1. I just wonder, what if I wait...will the rippling even out when my breasts settle in more? Or will it get worse/stay the same? Will the fat injections be worth it? Will they even work or is this going to be an (unnecessary) surgery? And if that wasn't enough then we started to talk about the societal pressure I feel to get married and have kids while also knowing in the back of my mind that one day, soon, I will need to consider having a prophylactic oophorectomy (complete hysterectomy) since my rate of ovarian cancer is up to 54%! I use to think I'd be married and have kids at the age of 26 but that has not happened for me and while I'm okay and very happy with where I am in my life, you should see the looks I get when I tell people that I may never get married or I may never procreate. While I realize that that is not my burden, others' opinions, it does effect me if I'm being perfectly honest. Then I start to think to myself, WHY, why do I not want to get married....why might I never have a kid....what is wrong with me? Is this a reflection of my current choices in life? Can I make better or different choices? Then that led to talk of freezing my eggs which is a "mere" $5000+ procedure. But if I have a hysterectomy, who would carry my future babies if I go that route? It's like a big snowball as you can see and was very emotional. I was very happy that my doctor spent almost an HOUR with me and wasn't rushing out of the room. Yes, I was that girl who made everyone else wait in their waiting rooms...SORRY! Her kindness and shoulder to literally cry on meant so much to me and all I could think was how can I educate other doctors out there? What can I do so that they are equipped to help other sobbing patients like myself? I just want to help and make an impact! I am currently in a position where I have decided to quit teaching after this year. It is no longer my passion. I still love kids and while I will miss the day to day interactions with them and their precious innocence, my passion has recently changed. I still want to educate but I want to educate women and doctors and anyone who will listen. I hope my role as Austin's Bright Pink Education Ambassador will open a new door or doors for me so that I can fulfill this new passion that burns inside of me. Since this post was such a downer, I have to leave you on a HILARIOUS note. If you have never seen this video, prepare to pee yourself. If you have, enjoy the laugh as did I. I maaaaay have watched this about 5 times already. ;) Thank you for reading my blog and allowing me to share my deepest thoughts and concerns. It truly is therapeutic! A while back I wrote a post about how I was chosen to be the Austin Bright Pink Education Ambassador. The training was originally supposed to be in Chicago, IL but they are piloting a new program where they train us from the comfort of our home. I have to say, I was a bit bummed by this as I was realllly looking forward to visiting Chicago and meeting the other BP Ambassador newbies. But I was NOT looking forward to investing in a parka and freezing my butt off! I've been receiving a lot of emails from the BP coordinator and making sure I've done my pre-training work. They have also matched me up with an education ambassador that can help me and we will Skype tonight. Her name is Brie and I can't wait to talk to her and have her help me prepare for my upcoming training. Training will be next weekend from Friday, November 14 - 16th. I have to be available to Skype and do online training sessions. I was also matched with with another BP newbie. We will help each other through the training process and work together to make sure we are ready to go out into our city and educate others. I got home today and received an awesome swag bag from Bright Pink. It has so much neat stuff in it and made me as giddy as a kid on Christmas morning. I got my very own pink binder with all of my training stuff, snacks/goodies, some awesome barre socks (I've been needing a pair for my new barre class), shampoo/conditioner, face cleanser, Luna bars and much, much more. It really helps that I love pink so much! Check out my swag below: As far as my recovery is going, not much has changed. I obsess over the rippling in my chest and am constantly showing my friends and asking their opinion. I go back for my next check up in 2 weeks and will have to have a serious talk with Dr. Mosier about the possibility of doing the liposuction so that he can take and inject that fat into my breasts. This should even out the rippling but I'm really not sure what to expect. I will ask him all about it now that a month will have passed since our last visit, and I am still not LOVING the way my boobs look. If it seems too invasive or the results don't seem worth it, then I will probably forgo the liposuction as it's another surgery to go through. I have started to accept the nipple reconstruction as a real possibility come December 19th. I don't love the nipple tattoos as they just LOOK fake but I guess considering that they are fake I can't complain too much about it. I think real nipples will really complete the process and hopefully cover up the scars and make me feel like a woman again with somewhat real nipples. I will tell you, nipples make a huge difference in my modesty. Until I put those tattoos on, I wasn't too shy about showing my new boobs to friends who were curious to see them. Once I put the tattoos on, I was a bit shy and reserved about showing them to anyone or even posting the pics in my photo gallery on this site. Funny how that works!
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About This Blog:This is my journey to beat breast cancer before it beats me, by undergoing a non-nipple sparing, prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. Archives
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